


Be Yours if You'd be Mine

by InsaneJuliann



Series: The Evolution of Buddie [13]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Lack of Communication, Light Angst, M/M, maybe a bit of anxiety or at least anxious thinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-06
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:13:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27908020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsaneJuliann/pseuds/InsaneJuliann
Summary: Things with Buck are good. Sure, Eddie's pretty sure that some days Buck is still hiding something from him, and sure, their relationship is still a secret to their friends. But there are moments where Eddie can only feel how right it is, Buck in his life, with his family and with Chris. And Eddie may not be able to put a word to the feeling he's been having lately, but he knows that his relationship with Buck isn't going anywhere.At least, Eddie was sure of that until he potentially fucked things up. Now, he's not sure where they stand, precisely. He's not sure if he's what Buck really wants, or if Buck's second guessing. They need to talk.The thing is, talking and vulnerability has never been Eddie's strong suit.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: The Evolution of Buddie [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1730287
Comments: 58
Kudos: 225





	Be Yours if You'd be Mine

**Author's Note:**

> I bring you the newest installment! 
> 
> Enjoy. 😁

“Something’s up with you.”

Eddie glanced up, startled from his thoughts. Karen raised a brow at him, sipping her coffee. 

“What?”

“Oh, don’t what me,” Karen said, a touch impatient. “You know what I mean.”

He did, unfortunately. But he still wasn’t ready to really… talk to everyone about his relationship with Buck. It was enough that some of his family knew - Abuela and Pepa, Marisol and Vic, Chris. Sometimes their nosiness and teasing was more than enough to set him on edge. He knew it was well meant, but it made him feel watched, made it feel like he had to get it right. 

It came up during his sessions with Frank, a lot. 

Sometimes, it felt like he was never going to get anywhere with therapy. There’d always be something more he’d realize was wrong with him, something more he had to unlearn or fight against in his own head. Sometimes Eddie wanted to just give up at it. He wouldn’t - on good days he knew there was a difference, knew he was doing better. And he wanted to set a good example for Chris. It just… was hard, lately. 

Marisol said he seemed more stressed, and Abuela was giving him worried glances last week at dinner. And now Karen was pinning him with a no-nonsense kind of look, like he was supposed to fess up to everything spinning through his head lately.

He wanted to tell her about Buck, and how he was worried about him, and how he was stressing about their relationship lately.

Eddie also didn’t want to tell her. He didn’t want to make her keep another big secret on his behalf from Hen. 

“Eddie.”

“Just… holidays, you know?” he hedged.

She stared at him a moment, before sighing. “Okay.” She shifted, and said, “Holidays,” in agreement. “Did Hen talk about how my parents asked us to host this year? We’ve never hosted Thanksgiving - it’s always been at my folk’s place. I don’t know how to cook a fucking turkey, Eddie, but I’m gonna have to google the hell out of it and figure it out because apparently, my parents are too old and it’s my turn. I have a toddler, Eddie, this is going to be a nightmare.”

Eddie grinned a bit. “Just don’t set any fires. We’ll never let you live it down if you do.”

“Fuck off,” Karen laughed. “What are your Thanksgiving plans then?”

“I’m picking up a shift, actually. Owed someone a favor,” Eddie admitted, grimacing. “Chris is gonna stay with my grandmother.”

Karen made a sympathetic face. “Hen hates Thanksgiving shifts. Says it’s always the dumbest shit, over and over again.”

Eddie barked out a laugh. “Well… she’s not exactly wrong.”

They moved on, talking about how their kids were already pestering about Christmas presents, the latest fad toy that was overpriced and already getting hard to find in stores, and gossip about their mutual friends. 

As they left the coffee shop, Karen gave him a searching look, eyes tight at the corners. “Whatever’s going on, you feel like sharing, I’m here to listen.”

“I know. It’s fine.”

She hummed, that unconvinced note again. “You thought things were fine earlier this year, too. Would you still say that now, looking back?”

Eddie made a face. Because… no. He probably wouldn’t. Especially when it had come to his parents’ visit and everything that had gone down then. But this wasn’t like that. This was… different. More personal. 

Somehow, it made him feel more vulnerable.

“If I need someone to wack some sense into me, I’ll call you first.”

Karen snorted, but she was smiling. “Good. I know where you live, Eddie, remember that, and I’m not afraid of hunting you down to dish out that sense.”

“I know.” 

Nothing was better, not really, but just getting the chance to talk to Karen made him feel a little less overwhelmed.

Chris was still at school for another couple hours, so Eddie didn’t have much to do yet. He’d cleaned up the house earlier that morning, he was actually on top of the laundry for what felt like the first time in weeks, and he didn’t have plans with Buck until later. 

Buck was with Maddie actually, and Eddie wondered if they’d work out whatever seemed up with them or not. It wasn’t very obvious, but last time Maddie had come by to join the team for lunch at the station, there’d been an odd bit of tension between her and Buck. It hadn’t exactly been negative, Eddie didn’t think. He really didn’t know what it was - had no frame of reference. It wasn’t like anything he could think of with his own sisters, at least.

Eddie was sure that it had something to do with why Buck was sometimes on edge, why every once in a while those too-wide and bright smiles showed up on Buck’s face. Never for as long as before, but they itched at Eddie badly.

When Buck did come by later, though - after Eddie had picked up Chris and they’d worked through his homework - he seemed in great spirits. When Eddie asked, Buck had gotten a sly smirk on his face and taunted, “I know something you don’t know.”

Eddie rolled his eyes, pointedly. It just made Buck grin.

They made dinner together, all three of them. Eddie was mostly set to knife duty, chopping and slicing things as Buck required, while Buck and Chris leaned over the stove together, stirring a big pot of something Buck called ‘Kitchen Sink Soup’. He listened with a slight smile, half an eye on the two of them smiling and laughing. 

It was one of those moments that hit Eddie in the chest; it was so _right_ and so _wonderful_ that it hurt in the best kind of way. It was everything Eddie wanted in his life, and maybe in the past he wouldn’t have ever thought to imagine it would look like this, but now….

Now, Eddie didn’t think he could ever want it to look like anything else.

“Did your mom teach you this, Buck?” Chris asked, stirring as Buck sprinkled in some spices.

“Nah, my mom couldn’t cook her way out of a paper bag.” Buck looked between two different spices, frowning. He sniffed them, tasted one, and went with the other. “There was this lady down the street though who sometimes watched me after Maddie went to college and my parents were gone for a couple days. She showed me.”

“That was nice of her,” Chris said.

Buck grinned, ruffling Chris’ hair. “Yeah, she was real nice.” Shifting gears, he took the spoon from Chris and said, “I’ll stir, you can add those diced onions.”

“Okay!” Chris grinned, leaning forward a bit on his stool to grab a big scoop of them with two hands. He dropped them in slowly, so there wouldn’t be a big splash, before getting the rest.

Buck glanced over and caught Eddie’s eye. His grin softened, warmed even more somehow, and Eddie thought his heart was going to rip out of his chest.

The soup was delicious.

Mari leaned over between Eddie and Buck’s chairs, her elbows digging into Eddie’s - and presumably Buck’s too - shoulder. “So.”

Eddie immediately cast her a suspicious look.

Looking mockingly offended, she said, “Why are you giving me the Dad look, Eddie?”

“Why are you being suspicious?” he shot back.

Buck just grinned, amused. Eddie gave him a look too.

“When’s the last time you two had me time?” Marisol asked, tossing her hair over her shoulder a bit. She’d gotten it cut recently, short, and had been complaining earlier that she was still adjusting to it. It kept falling into her eyes apparently, or tickling her cheeks, or some other annoying thing Eddie couldn’t really relate to.

Buck and Eddie glanced at each other. “Uh…”

“You know, time just you two. No kid to crash your dates? Not that your kid isn’t the best, Eddie, but… you two deserve some time to yourselves, too.”

“It’s been… a while I guess,” Eddie admitted. “Why?”

“So I was thinking, Vic and I could watch him next time you two have a night off.” She waggled her brows. “C’mon, you can’t turn down free babysitting, can you? I need to interrogate the kid about what he wants for Christmas, secure my status as favorite.”

“That’s always going to be Abuela,” Eddie pointed out, amused. 

Mari snorted. “Favorite _cousin_ clearly.”

Buck was watching with a grin again, clearly amused. “Does Chris even have favorites?” he teased.

Sighing dramatically and shaking her head, Mari said, “He claims he doesn’t, which just means I have to step up my game and make it clear I am in fact the best of them all.” She swatted Eddie’s arm sharply. “Which is why I need you to take a date night without the kid for once and let me figure out how to do that.”

“Is that so.” Eddie gave her a dry look. She stared back, unblinking and unwavering.

After a very prolonged moment, Eddie sighed. “Alright. Who am I to turn down free babysitting.”

“Exactly.” She grinned, pleased with herself, and pushed off. “Text me when you have a night in mind.”

Buck already was pulling his phone out - probably to look at the schedule for the upcoming few weeks or something. Eddie watched him, catching his eye when Buck looked up and grinned. “Think she’ll take him on a school night?” Buck asked.

Eddie grinned back. “Hey, she didn’t say it had to be a weekend.”

When Eddie texted her the next day about it, Marisol claimed she was more than happy to watch Chris Thursday night and take him to school the next morning. 

So, date night was set for Thursday.

And Eddie started thinking.

They went out for the night.

Since they usually stayed in for their dates that included Christopher, it seemed important to do something special for a date that was just them. It wasn’t anywhere fancy, just a restaurant that they both liked. There wasn’t much of a wait on a Thursday night, though it was hardly empty either. Buck’s feet ended up almost tangled with Eddie’s shortly after they were seated. 

His hands gestured as he talked about something that had happened last time he’d joined Chimney and Maddie for dinner. His eyes were crinkled, too, the way they did at the corners when Buck was particularly happy or amused. Eddie almost tuned out of the story, busy staring between Buck’s hands, the smile on his face, the crinkles at his eyes. Something Eddie was unwilling to name just yet was swollen up in his chest, almost an ache but the best kind. 

It’d been a lot longer than he wanted to admit since he’d felt it like this.

“What?” Buck asked, tilting his head curiously. He was still smiling, though it was the smaller, fond one that Eddie _knew_ he only gave out to a few people. Chris. Maddie. Eddie.

Eddie shook his head, not taking his eyes off of Buck. He cleared his throat. “Nothing. Just.” He struggled for the right words. “You’re kind of-” he swallowed back ‘perfect’ and then ‘everything’ and instead said, “You’re pretty handsome sometimes, you know?”

Buck’s expression softened even more, eyes and chin ducking down a bit and the tops of his ears going a dark pink. It wasn’t quite _shy_ , but something like it. Bashful, maybe. A heavy kind of almost-tension gathered between and around them, leaving Eddie feeling like his blood was buzzing through him. Buck glanced back up, a look on his face that Eddie couldn’t describe. It made the breath stall in his throat, though. It was like Buck maybe heard all the words Eddie hadn’t said - couldn’t bring himself to say, yet, even though he thought he might want to.

“Thanks.”

The tension didn’t quite dissipate for the rest of their dinner. When the waiter came by to ask about dessert, Buck glanced over to catch Eddie’s eyes, mouth parted but hesitating before replying. 

Eddie gave a slight shake of his head. He had plans for the night, and he was almost shaking with both nerves and eagerness for them to get to said plans. Buck smiled at the waiter, turning down dessert and asking after the check. 

His hand rested between Eddie’s shoulders as they left. Eddie swore it burned through the cloth of his jacket and shirt into his skin.

They reached the empty house, barely bothering to turn on more than the hall light. Buck’s hand fumbled out blindly and missed the bowl on the small table there for keys. Eddie smiled to himself a bit, but just kept working at the spot high up on Buck’s neck that always led to delightful noises. 

“Eddie,” Buck gasped, hands digging under Eddie’s shirt and running up his sides. 

Eddie hummed, backing them down the hall towards his room. He pulled back only enough to pull his shirt off, watching Buck’s eyes darken as he stared. 

He plucked at Buck’s shirt, raising a brow and offering a smirk. Buck licked his lips, swallowed, and removed his own shirt. Eddie backed him up against the wall in the hallway, even though the door to his room was just a couple feet down. Buck’s hands came up, one curling around the back of Eddie’s head and adjusting the angle as they kissed. The other moved restlessly - over his chest, his shoulder, partway down his arm.

Eddie edged out of his shoes, laughing as Buck did and almost lost his balance.

Buck shot him a grin back, eyes crinkled with a breathless laugh.

They finally made it into the bedroom.

Eddie landed on his back on the bed, Buck now pressing him down, kissing Eddie until he felt dizzy with it. The slight bite and tug on his lip when Buck pulled back was a pleasant sting, and Eddie opened his eyes to watch Buck slip down, pausing to kiss here or there, to nip sensitive spots. He worked Eddie’s pants off far enough that Eddie managed to press them off entirely with his feet and a slight kick.

Unfairly, Buck’s were still on. Eddie was going to point that out when Buck’s mouth pressed against him through his underwear, hot and a hint of wet. 

“Shit,” he hissed, one hand fisting in the sheets. He propped up on his other elbow; this was hardly the first time Buck had done this, but hell if it wasn’t something Eddie still wanted to watch every time.

Buck got a cocky grin, thumbs hooking in the waistband of Eddie’s underwear and pulling them down slowly.

“Tease,” Eddie laughed, panted, whatever. 

“That a challenge?”

“Hell no.”

Buck laughed, once, quietly, and dipped his head back down. Eddie bit down on a groan for a moment, then remembered there was no reason to at all. 

Every time Buck blew him, it was like he was both determined and excited - eager to do it, and resolved to making it somehow better than the last. Eddie sure as fuck had nothing to complain about. 

Well. Normally.

After a few minutes, Eddie gathered his own resolved together and lifted a hand, sliding it through Buck’s hair, muttering, “Hold on, wait,” in between slightly desperate gasps.

Buck immediately shifted back, a slight frown on his face. “Eddie?”

Licking his lips - thrumming with nerves again - Eddie sat up and tugged Buck closer. Buck’s mouth was wet and dark and Eddie _had_ to kiss him. 

Sometimes, it felt like he never wanted to stop kissing Buck. The way Buck always melted into it, reaching out for some part of Eddie like he wanted to hold him close….

“You still have pants on,” he complained, barely pulling back.

Buck smiled, breathing out an amused sound. His hands moved, even as he leaned that bit forward necessary to keep kissing. Eddie dropped his own hands, helping Buck get both pants and underwear down over his hips, before Eddie left Buck to finish up and grabbed him up in his hand.

Buck sucked in a breath, making a soft noise. It was almost pained, but not really.

“You want-”

Moving quickly, Eddie flipped them. Buck’s eyes went wide for a moment, and then he burst into laughter. “Seriously man?”

Eddie grinned back. Now straddling Buck, he leaned down and kissed the laughter right out of Buck’s mouth, before slipping down to his neck again, working those noises out as he worked a mark into the skin.

He wanted this. It was terrifying in a way, but not in a way that made Eddie not want to do it. He’d been thinking about it for a while, really thinking, and he wanted to move their physical relationship forward more. Buck had kept saying the whole time that he’d never do anything Eddie wasn’t comfortable with - which meant they’d moved slowly to each new step. 

Eddie was kind of tired of waiting and wondering though.

“Fuck me,” he said.

“What?” Buck said, pulling back a bit.

“I want you to fuck me.” Eddie leaned in, kissing him softly. Buck’s hands twitched, a brief tightening and then loosening against his hips. Eddie reached out for his bedside table, fumbling for the top drawer.

“Mm- wait,” Buck pulled back from Eddie’s kiss, brows scrunched and an odd expression taking over. Buck actually scooted back a few inches, sitting more upright. “Are you sure about this?”

Eddie slowly closed the drawer, sitting back. “Yes, I am.”

“Really?”

The questioning poked at something inside Eddie that felt unsure and suddenly ashamed. He _hated_ it, that Buck was making him feel like that. “Yes, Buck, I’m _sure_.” He stared, realizing Buck looked uneasy and almost like he was about to freak out a little. He looked kind of like he was about to _panic_ which made Eddie’s stomach flip sourly. It made no sense, unless - “ _You_ don’t want to.”

Buck’s eyes went wide and he stilled. He opened his mouth but nothing came out and he closed it slowly after a moment. The flush in his cheeks all but visibly seeped away, leaving him almost pale. His eyes darted away from Eddie, and he mumbled, “I…” before stopping again. He breathed in, shaky, and said, “Eddie, I….”

Eddie waited. Buck didn’t say anything more.

It was… embarrassing, Eddie decided. He felt distinctly embarrassed, even though he was pretty sure that he hadn’t done anything _wrong_. Buck had seemed on board with everything up to that point, so it wasn’t like Buck wasn’t attracted to him or something.

Right?

Eddie swung off of Buck, off the bed, and found where his underwear had landed on the floor, pulling them on. He moved to grab pajamas out of his dresser, both because it was getting cooler and because he kind of thought it might be better, considering.

“Ed-” Buck started to say softly, uncertain.

Eddie cut him off. “It’s fine.” He winced, took a deep breath, and turned to face Buck. He wasn’t - it wasn’t that he was upset with Buck. Not really. Confused and embarrassed and maybe a bit frustrated with all that, but not upset. He rubbed at his hair, forcing a smile. “Let’s… let’s just. Go to bed, okay?”

Buck nodded silently, looking away from him again and searching out his own underwear.

Even though he wasn’t upset with Buck about it, he didn’t feel great. He was pretty sure a lot of it was tied up in his own issues - at least, he hoped it was. There was probably plenty of logical reasons why Buck hadn’t wanted to fuck him. Ones that had nothing to do with Eddie. Reasonable ones that had to do with… well, Eddie wasn’t really sure. 

They’d just… talk about it later. When Eddie wasn’t feeling so embarrassed and ashamed - he had no reason to be ashamed of wanting to have sex with Buck, and he knew that, he _did damn it_ \- and when Buck wasn’t feeling… whatever had made him look so uneasy. They just needed a bit of time, or distance from the night, or whatever. 

Eddie slipped into his side of the bed as Buck shifted under the covers as well. He shifted around, reaching for his cell and checking to be sure Mari hadn’t texted about Chris or anything. She hadn’t, but he sent her a reminder about making sure Chris didn’t forget his homework in the morning. 

Mari texted him back to stop pestering her and enjoy his night with Buck.

He grimaced, setting the phone down.

Buck stayed over on his side of the bed. Eddie wasn’t sure what to do, or say. Maybe Buck wanted the space. Eddie had been the one to push things physically, after all, and make Buck freak out like he had - quietly, but Eddie could still remember the spark of it in Buck’s eyes, the way he’d gone a bit pale with it. 

“Night,” Buck whispered, quiet and tentative.

Eddie closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It shifted into an unexpected yawn. “G’night Buck.”

Hopefully, things would be better in the morning. They had to be. With some distance and the light of day, they’d talk about things, Eddie would figure out where he went wrong, why Buck hadn’t wanted to fuck him but had seemed fine blowing him before that. 

_Fuck_ , Eddie hoped it’d all be better in the morning.

They did not, in fact, really talk about it in the morning.

Eddie woke up first, and after a few minutes of watching Buck sleep he went to shower. When he came out, Buck was awake and making breakfast in the kitchen. And as soon as they finished eating, Buck went for a shower.

It wasn’t like they didn’t talk at all. They just didn’t talk about the previous night. 

It was awkward.

The longer they went without bringing it up, the more awkward it felt. They were fine, right? Buck hadn’t run off or anything, and Eddie wasn’t mad Buck hadn’t felt like having sex, so they were fine.

(Eddie knew it was a fine line he was walking there, knew that the mature thing to do was talk about it. He just got so tired, sometimes, of having to talk about feelings. Of having to pry himself open and show all the messiness inside to other people. It was exhausting.)

So all Eddie really asked, when they were heading out the door for their shift, was “Hey, we good?”

And Buck had smiled at him, small but honest, and said, “Yeah. We’re good man.”

Maybe it had been a bit of a lie, but it was one they both wanted to be true.

The problem was, Eddie realized, he was suddenly feeling a lot less certain about - well, many things. Top most of them was that Eddie found himself second guessing a lot of the physicality that had been part of their relationship up till then. He had before, too, but now it was worse. Now, Eddie wanted to be more cautious. Because he clearly had pushed a bit too much before, and he hadn’t realized it. What if he’d pushed too hard and too fast and the other night had just been the last straw of an ongoing problem? Eddie wanted to believe Buck would tell him, but….

But he also knew Buck liked making people _happy_. Sometimes Buck was dismissive of things that hurt or bothered him, if it meant keeping the peace. Eddie hated it, and he hated even more how it now left him wondering and rethinking so much of their relationship the past few months. How could he be sure what Buck wanted, if he couldn’t trust that Buck would actually tell him?

It really didn’t help that Buck seemed to be going out of his way lately to please Eddie. It wasn’t anything big - not yet at least - but small things. Little accommodations that Eddie wouldn’t have thought much of before, but he was watching for things like that now and it was like they were everywhere he looked. Was Buck suggesting that movie because he wanted to watch it too, or because he knew it was Eddie’s favorite? Was Buck making Eddie’s favorite for dinner because he wanted to make it, or because he wanted to make Eddie happy? 

Had this been going on just recently, or beforehand and Eddie had just never paid enough attention to notice?

Was it paranoia or being observant?

Eddie wasn’t sure. It left him going around in circles in his own mind, left him frazzled and frustrated. Sometimes he tried to go to sleep and couldn’t because his goddamn head wouldn’t shut down about it all. 

If it was recent, was it because Buck felt bad? Guilty? Eddie wasn’t sure what would be worse - that Buck felt guilty for saying _no_ (and all the implications that went with that and made Eddie wonder about Buck’s past relationships), or that Buck might be feeling guilty because he had realized he’d led Eddie on somehow. 

It was a thought that made Eddie’s tongue almost tingle with anxious panic. That Buck was rethinking their relationship. That Buck might have changed his mind - and wasn’t saying anything yet because he didn’t want to hurt Eddie or Chris, or because it was the holidays, or whatever kind of reason his mind thought up. 

If Buck didn’t want Eddie anymore, where did that leave them? Eddie would rather have an answer to that than to wonder.

He just… couldn’t quite bring himself to ask, either.

Abuela asked if Buck would be coming over for Christmas Eve dinner. Eddie hedged around an answer at the time, but worryingly when he brought it up with Buck later, _Buck_ was evasive. He said he wasn’t sure, would let Eddie know later on. When Eddie had asked if Buck maybe had plans with Maddie, Buck had shrugged and changed the subject.

Eddie thought he was handling it all pretty well - or at least hiding it pretty well - but of course he got called out on it by Frank.

“Holidays are stressful for everyone, even those in a good place mentally and emotionally, who get along with their families. It’s not uncommon for it to be a source of stress.” He pinned Eddie with a look, firm and understanding. “What’s the biggest thing bothering you about the holidays right now?”

There was so much, Eddie wasn’t even sure what to say at first. He always felt like he should do more for Chris, and he wished he could find the perfect way to show Abuela and Pepa how much he appreciated their support this past year especially. He wasn’t sure if he should send his parents a card in the mail like he always had before, after everything earlier in the year. He hadn’t heard from his sisters, but that had happened before, long periods of no communication. He was afraid of sending cards to any of them and getting a return to sender, or no response at all. 

What came out though was, “I can’t figure out what Buck wants to do.”

“Have you asked him?”

“I tried,” Eddie said, frustrated. “He brushed me off. Said he wasn’t sure about plans yet and then wouldn’t elaborate.”

“He could be planning to spend time with his own family, want to confirm those plans,” Frank pointed out, very reasonably.

“I tried to ask that but he wouldn’t say. He’s been acting odd – even more so lately,” Eddie insisted. “He – I just….” The words crowded in his throat; it felt like there was a blockade right on the back of his tongue, holding it all back from actually being said. A traffic jam behind a three car pile up.

Frank considered him, always so calm. “Have you let him know that this is causing you stress? Explained why you want to know sooner than later?”

Eddie glanced away. “He’s been… off. I don’t want to drop my shit on whatever is going on with him, too.” He didn’t want to ask for too much from him, afraid it’d be what chased Buck away finally.

The look Frank gave him was too knowing, like he either knew exactly what Eddie wasn’t saying, or that he was holding things back from him. “Then ask. Ask him if he is okay with you talking about your own anxieties at this time, or if he needs the space to deal with his own things first.”

“Okay, but how do I know he’s not going to just _say_ he’s fine listening to me complain, when really he’s tired of it?”

“Buck’s a grown man who makes his own choices. You can’t be blamed for what he decides to say or do, even if you disagree with it. You have to trust that he knows what he can handle.”

What if I don’t, Eddie wanted to demand. What if I’m pretty sure he’s already tired of dealing with me and my baggage?

Frank was considering him. “And it’s not complaining, Eddie. Sharing how you feel with someone in your life, who is involved in those anxieties and struggles directly or even indirectly, isn’t inherently wrong, it can be healthy. It’s communicating your boundaries, needs, and feelings. When we hold those things inside of ourselves, but still place the expectation of them being understood by those around us – friends, family, or partners – that is when things begin to turn unhealthy. You need to reflect and ask yourself if you are expecting Buck to know what you want, or how things he is doing or saying are making you feel, without clearly telling him those things. And if you are, then you need to have that discussion.”

Eddie groaned, looking away again and fighting the urge to cross his arms.

“I know it’s not easy for you,” Frank said softly. “It’s not something you learned as a child, not something you have seen or experienced much yourself. It may not ever _be_ easy. But it can get _easier_ , the more you work at it. It can be less frightening, being vulnerable, the more you open up and trust someone with yourself, even the parts of you that you may not like or want to admit are there.”

He sighed, tilting his head back and staring at the ceiling. “Yeah,” he muttered. “I guess.”

Frank made a soft sound that wasn’t quite a laugh but was close to it. “You don’t have to like doing it,” he said, sounding amused, if sympathetic. “But if you want to solve the problem, you have to work at it. There’s no magical cure or solution for these kinds of things – I can only help you figure out what will work best to get you to where you want to be.”

“Right.” Eddie sighed again, leaning forward. “I know. I just… don’t want to mess things up. Chris loves Buck, and I work with him, and….” Eddie swallowed. “I don’t want to mess it up. With Buck.”

“Then don’t approach your relationship with him when things aren’t going perfectly with the presumption of inevitable failure. If you believe that it’s inevitable, that things will go wrong, then when they get difficult you’ll be more likely to withdraw, try to protect yourself from the pain you are certain is coming. If you do that, you might miss chances or opportunities to grow, or strengthen your relationship, or work out an issue so that it will be less likely to cause that kind of stress again. You can’t believe things are going to end before they do.”

“Setting myself up for failure. Like a, a self-fulfilling prophecy.”

Frank smiled at him. “Positive thinking can be hard, especially when anxieties are prone to fixating on the worst-case scenarios. And when those have happened before, it feels like those anxieties aren’t anxieties but truth. It happened then, so of course it is happening again now. Acknowledge that the possibility might be there, but there is also the chance that it is not.”

Eddie didn’t say ‘it’s hard’ even though he wanted to. He didn’t say that Frank made it sound simple when it wasn’t anything close to simple or easy.

He shut his eyes, took a deep breath, and nodded.

He and Buck needed to talk.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay look I promise, I will try to get another update up soon. And remember, I may make them work for it but I’m all about an HEA.


End file.
